Suicide
Bombers
Where do
suicide Bombers go to practice?
Fat People
Fat people
must all be really fit - ask a puny, skinny person to lug 5 stone of ugly
fat around all day and he would drop dead from the effort.
Mr
Average
The average
person is completely different from everyone else.
Intelligence
Allegedly
we are all getting brighter - 72% of people now have an IQ of over 100 - yet
ask a five year old to tie his own shoe laces and he'll burst into tears of
horror.
So what
about the 28% who stubornly insist in remaining stupid - well so they won't feel
lonely I have set up notMENSA - the Society for the Hard of Thinking.
If you have
a shoe sized IQ join us now -
notMENSA
(It's good to be dumb)
Sheepish
Question
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Cannibalism
Is it immoral for a cannibal to eat a vegetarian?
Catnip
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
The
speed of light
The speed of light is exactly 299792458 metres per
second - what then is the speed of dark?
British
National Party
Now that
this racist 'political party' have been forced to allow non-whites to join,
it's time to force an end to their hatred.
What if
10,000 Pakistanis joined the BNP - they could vote out the current leaders then
change the name to Britain's Nearly Pakistani. If all the boxers in the
country joined they could make it the Bloody Nose Party. Or if there were a
big influx of gay members the BNP could soon stand for Britain Needs Poofs.
Any of
these parties would definitely get my vote.
So come on,
take up the challenge - it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of these
Bloody Neurotic Pathetics.
International Association for the Simplification of Everything
The world
has become far too complicated a place. Every single day hundreds of new
words are added to our language. There's abdominoplasty,
plasmatonixification and plutoniumiumium for starters. Far, far too
complicated for words!
Something
needs to be done.
So to fix
this problem we have created the International Association for the
Simplification of Everything - or IntAssSimpEve as it has affectionately
become know.
The
International Association for the Simplification of Everything is working
towards making everything as simple and understandable as possible.
One of the
areas we are currently tackling is the classification of birds. Would you
believe that right now there are; 23 orders, 142 families, 2,057 genera and
9,702 species of birds.
Ridiculous
- how could anyone remember 9,702 species of birds!
With the
IntAssSimpEve system there will be just six different birds;
Tweet Tweets, Birdy Wurdies,
Flap Flaps, Kill Kills, Dive Dive and Quack
Quacks. What could be simpler.
Tweet Tweets
are the smallest of the birds. This includes
what are currently called Robins, Blue Tits, Wrens, Coal Tits etc etc
Birdy Wurdies
are slightly bigger birds such as Starlings, Blackbirds, Fieldfare,
Nightingales, Thrush etc etc
Flap Flap
are larger birds such as Collar Doves, Seagulls, Woodpigeons, Woodpeckers,
Cuckoos, Grouse etc etc
Kill Kill,
as the name suggests, are all birds of prey such as Eagles, Owls, Sparrow
Hawks, Osprey, Buzzards etc etc
Quack Quacks
are all ducks, geese, cormorants and swans (in fact all birds that spend
their time on the water) - for example Whooper Swan, Mallard Duck, Common
Scoter, Canada Goose, Pink-footed Goose etc etc etc
We have
written to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds requesting that
they encourage their members to use the simplified system - we will let you
know their response.
You can help
the cause - the next time you visit a bird sanctuary make an entry in the
diary saying that you spotted, 4 Tweet Tweets, 3 Birdy Wurdies, 2 Flap Flaps
and a Kill Kill.
Life
Life is what remains when all the cream has been
licked away.
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